There isn’t enough time in the day for me to do all the things i want to do; to learn all the things i want to know; to get good at the things I like to do and still be good at the things I need to do to pay the bills. I want to be an interesting person. I want to be an extraordinary person and lately I just feel… flaccid? insufficient? unremarkable? crestfallen?
Home plumbing problems, personal (ahem) plumbing problems, work, school (?), parenting, waking up, writing, getting to bed, reading something new, finally falling asleep… Everything feels like a struggle. Like a task. It’s like I’ve been living on tight rope in the middle of a swarm of mosquitoes and I’m ready to just stop trying not to fall. Let the mess in my house finally devour us all. Live on Top Ramen and food that comes frozen in a box.
I’m just so tired of being tired. Tired of being in my head. It’s noisy and unforgiving and no one can rescue me from it. There’s no next step from here that has the potential to maybe be easier. No graduation or promotion or vacation or relief. I feel like I’m at the point in my life where I’m just going to be swimming to the surface to take a breath for eternity.
Jeez I’m depressing. I think for the first time in my life, I’m sick of winter. Calgon, take me away.